My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Girls should come with a carfax report
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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