I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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