How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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