i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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