i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
