I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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