tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
did you just send me my own nude
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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