The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You pole danced in your parka.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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