I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
