sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
