Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
