take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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