omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
