I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
