one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
