If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
