every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Randomize
