Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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