You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
