Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
