Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
