She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
