hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
