I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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