Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
