I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
