Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Alive.
So much puke
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
