I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
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