I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I can't turn off my feet"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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