She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
