how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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