Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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