So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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