well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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