i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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