How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
