I think my fart just growled at me.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
