she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
