There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
