Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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