I feel great
I just peed on a car
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
