I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
