My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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