I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
We smell like vodka and hangover
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
