You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
