My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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