Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
