i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
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