fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
