Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
