I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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